A Change Of Heart ?

This is a new Chapter so these extracts wont / cant appear in the book version as The Punk Poet has already been printed.

I only made these notes yesterday (Friday Feb 19th).

The truth is I am having `second thoughts` and almost a `change of heart` about what extracts should appear on online.

Let me explain.

Yesterday I was at Basildon Hospital for various tests and a X-ray and on my way out I popped into the Maternity Unit to deliver a card and a ballooon for a friend who had just had a baby "Hello Tommy".

And to be honest and to quote Vinnie Jones "It was emotional". I had not been inside the Maternity Wing since the birth of my daughter and the memories just come flooding back.

I said to my friend on the drive back "that was a choker" and she wanted to know why - but I couldnt confide in her.
I aint good on showing my feelings in public.

I dont think anyone apart from my ex-wife, the kids or `Donna Spencer` have seen me `shed a tear` so I kept a lid on it.

My children have sort of seen me cry watching family films or getting upset when Georgie Best and Bobby Moore died - but most of the time I can handle my emotions.

Yesterday I kept smiling on the outside but inside my head I was `crying`.

My three kids were born in Basildon Hospital and Julie almost died giving birth to the eldest.
I kept remembering the two of them being on the danger list and how lucky I was to bring them both home.

You see under this rough, tough exterior I am a `Mr Softie` and thought do I really want to expose the `love of my life` who gave me three beautiful children?

I know it is to late to edit / censor the book or get back the porno pictures I have sent to various Internet Sites - but it is still in my power to control how much detail I put in about how I transformed Julie Kathleen Taylor into Porno Star JULIE TAYLOR JOHNSON.
How I married and then managed the naughty Walthastow teenager and turned the pub stripper into a silver screen ADULT PERFORMER.

I could also stop The Best Of Basildon Babe Julie Taylor Johnson dvd going on sale - so far only demo copies excist.

I am now having conversations with the voices in my head and accussing myself of being a bloody wimp!

The last exchange in the bath took over a hour and only ended because the water got cold.

At this moment in time I cant make up my mind. I know she cheated on me - I know she lied to have me put in prison - I know she stole my house, car and money - so it should be easy to say "publish and be damned".

And to the list `stopping me from seeing my daughter` - `the dark secret` - `the birth control injections` and the `verbal sexual abuse` suffered by my children and I think `Yeah Gal go for it".

But things like visiting Basildon Hospital Maternity Unit, flashbacks, nostalga, fond memories, the good old days - and would you believe "loyalty" - are making me have second thoughts.